Women: can't live with them, can't live without them. This common expression relates well to the problematic issue of LDR, because when your relationship is put to through this particular test, its time to decide which of these opposing statements applies to you the most.
The path of life tends to pull people in different directions. Some random turn of events can sometimes have the power to decide the fate of a couple. For instance, if a man is being relocated across the country due to a promotion at work, and his woman is doing just fine in her present career, they inevitably end up going their separate ways.
Sometimes young lovers are forced to call it quits because they end up attending different colleges in different cities, states, or even continents.
What can one do in such a situation? Is the relationship worth pursuing or should they just forget about it and part ways?
The first thing to understand is that a relationship across great distances does not necessarily qualify as a relationship. For example, if a guy has been dating a girl for two years and she decides to travel across Europe with nothing but a backpack and pocket change, where does this leave the duo? Well, the first thing to do in this situation is to establish some ground rules before she hops on that plane.
The couple must agree on how they will deal with this separation, and even if they will remain a couple at all. If one decides that they cannot be in a LDR, while the other is ready to sacrifice a little for the sake of staying together, then they have a problem on their hands..
One option is to keep everything the way it is -- whether you are 5 miles or 5,000 miles away from each other. This way of thinking is very popular among young lovebirds, new to the journey of romance.
They tend to believe that physical space between them will not affect the solidity of the relationship because their "undying" love for each other can surpass this seemingly small obstacle. This often applies to couples that get separated for education reasons.
What happens in many cases, however, is that one of the partners may start feeling lonely and begin looking around to see what the "relationship market" has to offer.
But if the woman, for example, decides to hold back and not date anybody during her time away from her boyfriend, he should also be saving himself for her. Right? In an ideal situation, this would be the plan. But unfortunately, that's not always possible.
The guy in question might start fooling around, but may eventually feel guilty about it, even if six months have passed since he last saw his girlfriend.
The problem is that the terms of the relationship clearly state that this should not happen. What then?
If you're the one who's going away, you have the advantage of experiencing new scenery, a new job and new people, perhaps. The disadvantages, of course, are missing your home and the company of friends and family. And although there may be many new experiences, you'll have to deal with the loneliness of having no partner with you to share them. People away from home often find their emotions swing between heights of excitement and depths of longing.
If you're the partner who's staying at home, you have the advantage of familiar surroundings and, hopefully, the support of friends and family. The downside of this is that you may feel abandoned and trapped. There are also few new experiences for you, just the humdrum of daily life and the loneliness of having to get on with it on your own.
The supposed key to making LDRs work is to talk honestly and openly about how you feel. Couples often fall into one of the following traps:
Let's pretend it's OK - if asked how you are, you both say "I'm OK, everything's fine." Underneath you're both lonely, but are too scared to say in case the other person doesn't understand.
It's all right for you - you try to be nice when you talk, but the resentment slips out. You're both convinced your partner's having an easier time of it than you. Underneath you both want reassurance, but fear you'll be rejected. Or so would be thought.
Why can't we share our feelings about the separation - both the positives and the negatives. Won't this give us the opportunity to really understand each other and give the support and reassurance we both need.
Talk about your resentment at the situation rather than at each other, and look forward to the time when you're next together. Speak of it, and practice a better tone.
Of course, there are other itsy bitsy details to making things work.
make time
Of course, relocating to a new city will involve meeting new people and doing new things, but that doesn't mean that your significant other should fall to the bottom of your list of priorities.
It is important to set aside time every day to phone or e-mail each other, without any distractions. Tell each other details about your day, your friends, co-workers, etc., so that you both feel a part of the other person's life; this seemingly small step will go a long way in reducing the distance between the two of you.
visitMake an effort to visit one another as often as possible, not only when it is expected, such as for holidays. Make sure that it isn't always the same person who is going out of their way for the other, because this will inevitably lead to some serious resentment.
If you don't put in the time and effort to see one another, then you will eventually drift apart, no matter how strong your love is. After all, you need some physical contact to keep a relationship going.
plan aheadBe sure to organize your schedule so that when it is time, you have nothing to do but spend quality time with her. Tell your friends and family that you are officially unavailable during the time that you and your sweetie plan on being together.
This will not only be enjoyable in itself, but it will also make her feel like her efforts were appreciated, and that she is truly loved.
be thoughtfulDo sweet, spontaneous things to show her how much you miss her. If she's the one who left town, then send her something that she misses from back home, like her favorite snack from the local bakery, or a local newspaper. If she's feeling homesick, send her a photograph of the two of you, or things that she'd like.
Even if this sounds a bit sappy, a LDR is no time to be a challenge; it's a time to keep your lady loving and missing you, and looking forward to seeing you again.
relaxAs hard as this may initially seem, it is imperative for you to relax and trust one another. In other words, don't start assuming the worst just because your gf is making new friends, or going out more with her friends back home.
If you call and she isn't there, don't automatically think that it's because some guy has come in and taken your place. If you don't trust her enough to let her live her life without you by her side at every moment, then somethings should be reviewed.
roll with the punchesIf one of you only moved temporarily and plans on moving back home, then you will both just have to be patient until that time comes. If, on the other hand, the move seems to be more permanent in nature, you have to decide how long you are willing to drag the LD thing out for.
Will the person in the other city look for a suitable place for the two of you to live and start hunting out some job leads for the other? Or will you eventually go your separate ways? These are things that you will have to consider at one time or another; and there's no time like the present, as they say.
love her madlyIf you decide that you can cope with a LDR, there are a few key qualities you both must possess for it to really work, namely, loyalty, trust, respect, and love for one another. And I'm not talking about really liking the other person; I'm talking about the uncontrollable, inexplicable, blinding kind of love, which you will do almost anything to hold on to. If you've got that, but can also respect each other as individuals, then you can make it work.
Both parties should be looking forward to their reunion. Yet again, when we get to see each other again, chances are both of you will have built up great expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be. However, the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy.
Many couples feel disappointed and frustrated when things aren't as they'd hoped. You may also find that there are awkward silences or even arguments rather than the sweet feeling of return. You can prevent this by making sure you've talked about how you want the reunion to be and recognising that the anticipation is often better than the consummation.. And remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.
Well, here's a cheery thought though. Dr. Guldner says, "The failure of LDRs is a misconception. Couples break up for many reasons, but my 10 years of research on this subject has shown that distance doesn't seem to be one of them. Indeed, couples in LDRs report the same levels of intimacy, trust, commitment and satisfaction as geographically close couples." Absence can make the heart grow fonder when you use the time to show your partner how much they mean to you. And if, they reciprocrate.
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